Prayer – by Greg Mattson

“Likewise, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God.” Romans 8:26-27

Writing a pastoral pondering is for me similar to undergoing a self-directed counseling session. It’s a time for self-reflection which often seems to point to areas of personal/spiritual weakness. In the past, I’ve written about my difficulties with humility, worry, and forgiveness. This week I wanted to confess publicly my difficulty with prayer, particularly public prayer.

To those who know me well, it won’t come as a surprise that I am an introvert. Let me give you an example. My parents, particularly my mother, tried to break me of this problem at an early age by enrolling me in organizations like Cub Scouts and Boy Scouts which I absolutely dreaded. The yearly soap box derby caused about as much distress as going to the dentist or the doctor. Even worse, every year my mother would sign me up for Bible camp against my protest where I would spend a week in Lake Geneva doing crafts, shooting bows, swimming, and singing Kumbaya around a campfire with thousands (Ok maybe a hundred) of kids I didn’t know. To this day, I contend that camp was invented by parents as a way to torture their children while getting a week of relaxation. Speech class in college was something to be endured much like a colonoscopy. I am still that person, painfully shy and worried about what to say to a complete stranger. I believe it is part of my DNA.

How does this relate to prayer you may ask? Recently at work I was caring for a woman who is under a significant amount of distress. She has lost everything in a recent divorce, bankruptcy with loss of her home, the death of her mother and a new relationship which appears to be at a dead end. She is renting a room from a friend and has no near hope of finding a home for herself due to a damaged credit rating. We talked about her options and what I believe would be best for her based on scripture. Things were going well until she asked me to pray for her. Instantly, I could feel my anxiety rising. What do I ask for and how will it be received? At the very point I began praying, I was so nervous I forgot the persons first name and found myself almost lost for words. I did make it through the prayer by the grace of God. I can’t tell you what I said but I felt almost like I was having a panic attack and the one in need of medication. All the way home I thought about all the things I should have prayed for and still wish I could have a do-over today. Private prayer for me is easy. I can come before God with all my flaws knowing I’m accepted as a sinner who is an introvert, but doing it publicly causes me severe anxiety.